In this blog one of our workers explores relationship dynamics amongst the people we support, What remains consistent throughout is that each relationship serves a deeper purpose and fulfills the need to feel connected.
When I first met Stacey she was part of a group of street drinkers who spent most days together, one of whom was her boyfriend. They would beg individually throughout the day and meet up to buy alcohol and legal highs. When they were all together they made each other laugh by teasing and showing off to each other, stealing things from each other and pretending – they took it in turns to be the butt of the jokes. This playfulness readily spilled over into arguments and physical fights, the group could easily split and be very publicly vocal about how they felt about each other.
The relationship between Stacey and her partner was volatile and in their eight or nine years together there was a long record of domestic violence. Despite this they both talked about how much they looked after and felt looked after by the other. Their lives were chaotic and they were bonded by their addictions and by their strength of feeling even when those feelings were misplaced or projected in their alcohol fuelled, fiery rows. She was due to have treatment for a life threatening illness but was told she would have to be sober before this could go ahead because last year she had engaged only sporadically, causing it to be ineffective. Despite this Stacey would not come to meet me for numerous detox appointments.
It was the news of the death of a family member that motivated Stacey to change. She got on a bus to stay with her foster dad for a few days to look after him and be around family. She never returned and every time I called she told me how much she had reduced her alcohol intake and how her family was doing. That was three months ago and I visited her this week. The person I met was calm, collected and has been sober for two and a half months. She has a voluntary job and is involved with her family whom she is really proud of. She feels the responsibility of supporting her foster dad and is embracing it because she recognises the stability this offers is helping her to look after herself. It struck me how fortunate she is to have that safety net. Although it was in sad circumstances that she moved away, the family that she in the past, had found a bit boring and judgmental was there for her when she needed them.
This caused my mind to turn to two other service users, Marc and Bill, who are currently squatting in Bills old tenancy. Bill is nearing sixty and seems quite frail, he often refers to Marc as ‘son’ and Marc often calls him ‘dad’. He is helped every night by Marc to get in through a high window of his old flat which has been boarded up due to it being used by drug users who have left debris in and around the property and caused a risk to the other tenants. Bill has told me these men have been financially abusing him and stealing from him. When Bill is begging Marc brings him food and drinks and Bill tells me that Marc is his protector. Marc is unable to return to the home he shared with his young family and is fairly new to life on the streets. Marc and Bill pool their money and since spending time with Bill, Marc has started sharing heroin with him. They both describe their relationship as like father and son, that they keep each other going. Neither of them are in a position to offer each other the kind of support they both badly need but they recognise that they have an emotional bond which gives them hope and companionship.